a three and one third hour call with nic. Not that the number of hours should matter - i just can't stop being obsessed with keeping track of numbers, especially when it's regarding something important to me. i'm grateful for the few people who remind me to look at the world with wonder.

it's great to have a friend who knows my history, where i came from and how different i was in the past. i think you can always try to explain your past to someone, but s/he will never fully understand. Because to her, you are the impression she has of you.

i like how we are from different worlds, yet so similar in our beliefs and struggles. She reminds me of why i am here i am today, and i should really cherish my opportunities here. We've both grown from the young escapist girls who met on the first day of band camp to.. this. Nic, you've really grown and i think you're wonderful even if you don't necessarily think so (and won't actually read this).

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During today's session, I learnt that i'm really too detached from my emotions. For two whole years i've been feeling numb, pushing my thoughts away - because thoughts mean emotions, and emotions mean irrationality, weakness, being dysfunctional, and basically being in the state I was in in the past. I don't want to tell anyone about things because i just know i'll cry, and tears mean I have not grown from my past self. I no longer want to be that pathetic, confused girl.

I now struggle to write posts, and have conditioned myself to push my emotions aside, but tell myself it's alright because I am more rational and functional. Or perhaps not really 'alright', for I have also gotten so used to not thinking that it shows in my work and everyday activites. I feel dead, like a floating soul. Pushing my emotions aside doesn't seem to be working.

She said, "it's not about pushing your emotions aside, it's about learning how to deal with them.". There and then, i realised that the girl who put so much emphasis on emotional maturity and knowing herself had disappeared.

And I really want her back.

As I grow older, I've learnt to tell myself that there isn't anybody I cannot live without. Every time the distance between myself and the one I care about the most grows, I tell myself to move on, survive. I wallow in sadness for months and up to a year, find new people whom I may never be as close to and spend time with them in hopes of filling up that gap. Sometimes the new people bring surprises that I am ever so thankful for, sometimes we move on for we know we were only there due to circumstances.

But is that the truth, that there isn't anybody I cannot live without? There are people who light up my life much more than others do. I can survive without them, but they remain irreplaceable. Here's to two of my best friends I've ever had at some point in my life - Sarah and Fed. I have not talked to them in a while, and I shall. And to the ones I am growing to love: you know who you are :)

When have I learnt to abstain from indulging in my emotions? i dislike talking to people who do not know me well enough to accept all that i am, because that saltish liquid is right near the edge of my lids. i tell others a small portion of you, they do not know about the many other things i think of when i think of you.

today i will focus on the things i like about you, instead of the things i do not. i like how we can remain silent, how we do still fundamentally accept each other. i like how we are different and that i've grown as a person, i like how you are secure, i like how you push me to act on my promises. i like how ridiculously child-like you can actually be, i like how we are simply ourselves. but these are not enough, and i am torn. i will not focus on the negative and i will miss you in these 2 - 3 months. things will be different, and i will be almost completely alone when i am in Japan for the 1.5 months, and perhaps in time to come. i do not know, but for now, we will take the time to grow on our own.

i hope to pick up some pieces of myself in the foreign land and return as version closer to the one i want to be.

Sunday Morning before the exams

this morning, my neighbour (a hong kong exchange student) walked up to me and said "when are you going to play music again? I miss being able to close my eyes in a room with a half-opened door, listening to the sound of the piano and your voice. Please play again?"

Except for the fact that the voice wasn't mine, (neigh, jet and i were preparing for our Sappore performance weeks ago) it was something great to hear. i've never ever thought of being good enough for others to appreciate whatever i play.

i flipped through instagram, looked at some a'level art prep work by others and thought of how sucky i was as an art student back then. i feel mediocre all the time, be it art or music. but i love music, and you strive not just to be good for yourself, but for the enjoyment of others as well.

school has been draining me of energy. yesterday we pretended to be salespeople to 'test our skills'. i want to explore and do something i can do, something not within the confines of school.

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Fun fact: there's music playing in my head all the time and this happens to be the one in there right now. I haven't actually watched the drama Autumn in my Heart.


Reason (piano instrumental)

In secondary one, I happened to have the 'autumn in my heart ost' in my computer and got excited when my choir senior said he had the score. So he lent it to me, with labelled notes and all. i noticed a few wrongly labelled ones and before returning it him, stuck a post-it note saying "thanks for lending me the score! i found a few wrongly labelled notes and have corrected them for you!". maybe it was a bad decision, cause he stopped being friendly to me afterwards. i really wasn't trying to be smart or anything, but he might have saw it that way.

after that i tried not to correct others' mistakes, especially if the person is of higher authority (even though s/he might not know things better than i do in a particular field). feel like the better way would be to be able to properly phrase my sentences. /end random thought.